If i come over, it means nothing
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
