I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
