I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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