these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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