I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
