im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
