I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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