Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
