Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
