I faked an abortion last night.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
