my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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