Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
