saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
