she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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