What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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