I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
