soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
