Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
