I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
