She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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