Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
