9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
