I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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