The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
