apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
