Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
