Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
