she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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