after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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