I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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