If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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