You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
