Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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