Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
