awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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