Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
