I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
