I met the friendliest cop last night
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
