She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
