his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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