so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
