TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
