I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
