listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
