you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
