12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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