Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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