you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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