I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
