We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
