I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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