I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
