My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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