Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
