the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
